THAT’S
COURTESY!
2
A
good look at the endangered graces and their importance in our lives!
7.
The
Home, Producer of Saints or of Sinners
AT NIGHT in cities all across America, boys and girls are abroad, alone, idle,
undisciplined. One god they have and one only, and that is self. Along dark
streets they come, in knots, in gangs, filthy words on lips stained by tobacco.
These
youngsters should be at home. Being at home should be more fun than being in
gangs on dark streets. But where are the big kitchens where someone sits and
cracks nuts and tells stories and asks riddles while another is popping corn?
Someone is at the kitchen table with schoolbooks, and a little girl has her
doll. A baby boy has his blocks in one corner of the room, sitting on the bright
linoleum, building towers with uncertain little fingers.
A home like this can
keep a child. He would
rather
be there, if it is attractive enough; if it is clean, and spicy with the smells
of good cooking. I remember running, running, so I could get home from school. I
ran through rain and snow and slush to get home to dear mother, who kept her eye
on the door, watching for us to come.
At chore time Chester and Willie would get the milk pails and head
for the barn, and we girls would set the table and do little chores around the
house. We knew that in the cookie jar were several kinds of delicious treats, for
mother remembered the lunches we had to carry and had surprises for us all the
time. There would be thin sugar cookies, glistening with sugar, or
scalloped-edged gingersnaps, and fat molasses cookies, spicy and crumbling tender.
Supper
was always a wonderful experience. Mother's cooking was both healthful and
delicious. There was always plenty of fresh milk, or a cup of sassafras tea and
a plate of buttered homemade bread, and a dish of applesauce.
We
would gather around the long table, tastefully set. And we were very happy,
although mother had never heard of an electric stove or the marvel of a
porcelain-surfaced refrigerator. There are other sources of happiness, besides
those with things as the prime object. I loved home. It was clean and
comfortable. I felt safe and secure and loved there.
Poor
Raymond
Raymond
did not have such a home. I used to hear footsteps along the sidewalk, when we
lived in town, and would hear father say, "There goes poor little Raymond
Schaffer. He hadn't ought to be out like this at night." Ten years old, and
coming
home at one and two in the morning. No, he had nothing very appetizing to hold
him. Dirt and squalor and uncertain meals and unsavory beds made up his
environment. And whisky. Yes, whisky was there, and his mother, as well as his
father, was fond of it. No wonder he is behind bars today. He had no anchor,
nothing of depth and goodness to hold him.
Perhaps
we nod our heads piously and say it is terrible for children to be reared in
such circumstances. Yet there are homes so disorderly and in such mad
confusion that it is a wonder that children ever learn the holy lessons of
purity, goodness, and love of truth. An orderly home is a constant lesson in
neatness and purity. Even a small child takes pride in beauty.
"Order
is heaven's first law, and the Lord desires His people to give in their homes a
representation of the order and harmony that pervade the heavenly courts.
Truth never places her delicate feet in a path of uncleanness or impurity. Truth
does not make men and women coarse or rough and untidy. It raises all who accept
it to a high level."-Counsels on Health} p. I0l.
"From
their infancy, children should be taught lessons of purity. Mothers cannot too
early begin to fill the minds of their children with pure, holy thoughts. And
one way of doing this is to keep everything about them clean and
pure."-Ibid.} p. I03.
"There
is a sense of fitness, an idea of the appropriateness of things, in the minds
of even very young children; and how can they be impressed with the desirability
of purity and holiness when their eyes daily rest on untidy dresses and
disorderly rooms? How can the heavenly guests, whose home is where all is pure
and holy, be invited into such a dwelling?"-Christian Temperance and Bible
Hygiene, p. I44.
In
the homes of believers in the second coming of the Lord, it is urgently
necessary to be an example in all things. "The influence of an
ill-regulated family is widespread, and disastrous to all society"
(Patriarchs and ProPhets, p. 579), while "a wellordered Christian
household is a powerful argument in favor of the reality of the Christian religion,-an
argument that the infidel cannot gainsay" (ibid., p. I44).
The
environment of the child is so important that a parent should create this with
fear and trembling. In his home the- child learns the philosophies that will
carry him through life.
Home
does not need to mean luxury, nor all the child thinks he needs. Indeed, a child
loses all value of things, and time, and money, if he does not want for
something once in a while, and if he does not learn that hard work is the price
of getting things. Softness and protection and saccharin tenderness are poor
ways to put mettle in a child. A boy or girl who has known only hovering and protection and lavish profusion of gifts to
satisfy his slightest wish, spoken or anticipated, is an unhappy child. If he
has never learned to get out and dig, to long for something, and to work for it;
if he has never learned the fun of sharing, to give and to take, he is sadly
defrauded.
Children
Need Tasks
Home
should be made attractive, and full of security, yes, but it should be a
school, also, teaching children the beauty of living a holy, happy life. They
need to learn the important place they hold in the plan of things, and that
their small contribution to the comfort of the family is important. It is a
sin to allow a child to be on the receiving end all the time. He must have tasks
to do daily, and with regularity. If this is enforced there need be no scenes.
"I
have been shown that much sin has resulted from idleness. Active hands and minds
do not find time to heed every temptation which the enemy suggests, but idle
hands and brains are all ready for Satan to control. . . . Parents should teach
their children that idleness is sin."-Testimonies, vol. I, p. 395.
"Train
up a child in the way he should go." Training involves a steady daily
grind, every day of the young child's life. It means managing, but not
overmanaging. It means love, but not indulgence and coddling and blind adoration
in which even
the
hateful faults are excused. It means companionship and understanding; also
words of severe couNsel sometimes, even indignation. For children are people,
who are interested in themselves, and who do not like criticism or censure.
It
is so much more comfortable to let someone else take the hard part. The child
thinks it is more fun for mother to clean up the boot tracks, and pick up the
toys, and mop up the spilled water. And it is easier for the mother who is
blindly adoring and who coddles unwisely to do it, now. But later, when the
clouds gather and the storm is imminent and parents see the monster they have
created, they lift up their voices and weep.
"My wife is fasting and praying for our boy," a distracted father told me
once. "He curses his mother to her face, and orders her to get him this and
get him that."
"And
does she?" I asked artlessly.
"Why,
yes," the father answered me bewilderedly.
"She loves him most tenderly, and she loves to do for him better than she
likes even her life." "My children demand meat when they come
home," a mother with a grown family sighed, when I saw some red meat in her
refrigerator. "They were reared in the truth, but. . . oh, dear. . . they
have forgotten all we ever did at home."
"And
do you give it to them?" I asked. "I would not," I added.
"They should think of home as a bulwark of truth. They should not have
any conception of you in any act of compromise. You have too
much delightful food to compromise for them."
"The
curse of God will surely rest upon unfaithful parents. Not only are they
planting thorns which will wound them here, but they must meet their own
unfaithfulness when the judgment shall sit. Many children will rise up in
judgment and condemn their parents for not restraining them, and charge upon
them their destruction. The false sympathy and blind love of parents causes them
to excuse the faults of their children and pass them by without correction, and
their children are lost in consequence, and the blood of their souls will rest
upon the unfaithful parents."-Ibid., p. 2I9.
8.
"I
Don't Like To . .
SOME
people like to keep house, and they
make
this necessary and important task an
experience of pleasure and of beauty. Their homes are little heavens of joy and
delight.
"I
don't like to keep house," Mrs. Vinco said often. "I'd much rather
work in the yard and the garden and give Bible studies and do church
work." One might ask per, "Then why, pray tell, did you take that duty
upon you? Why did you get married and surround yourself with a home and with
children if the task of homemaking is so distasteful? You bargained for a job
you are not willing to do now."
Mrs.
Vinco would be aghast if Mr. Vinco would ever say, "I don't like to go out
into the harsh world and make a living for my family. I'd much rather take hikes
and mow the yard and read in the quiet of the shady porch."
Homemaking
is a serious work, and much depends upon cleanliness and decency in one's surroundings.
Eternal destinies are influenced by such things. So, Mother, whether you like it
or not, it is your Christian duty to keep a neat and orderly home.
Walking
into some homes where there is an unpleasant odor, dust on the furniture, and
dirty dishes, one wonders at the spiritual condition of the family who lives
there, for "the true child of God will be neat and clean" (ibid.) p. I02). If the housewife does not know how to order her household she should
learn to do so. The home environment has a telling effect on the minds and
hearts of little children.
"Mothers,
if you desire your children's thoughts
to
be pure, let their surroundings be pure. Let their sleeping rooms be
scrupulously neat and clean." Ibid.) p. I03.
"God
is displeased with disorder, slackness, and a lack of thoroughness, in anyone.
These deficiencies are serious evils, and tend to wean the affections of the
husband from the wife, when the husband loves order, well-disciplined
children, and a well-regulated house. A wife and mother cannot make home
agreeable and happy unless she possesses a love for order, preserves her
dignity, and has good government; therefore all who fail on these points should
begin at once to educate themselves in this direction, and cultivate the very
things wherein is their greatest lack."-Testimonies) vol. 2, pp. 298, 299.
Homes
have been broken just because wives have neglected to do their work faithfully.
The
whole village knows about how dirty and disorderly and untidy Meg is. When she
goes to town her hair is bushy, her dress soiled and wrinkled, and her
children go hither, thither, and yon, as they please. If they stay away at night
she does not show concern.
"They'll
get along," she remarks with a shrug.
Her
dishes are surrealists' dreams of smeared egg and dried gravy, and the floors
are strewn and filthy, while junk fills every corner. Her husband talks about
her, and tells intimate details of their home life to whoever will listen. One
wonders where their "heaven to go to heaven in" has gone.
And
yet they claim to be Christians. A great change must take place if these two
are to get into the kingdom of God.
"One
well-ordered, well-disciplined family tells
more
in behalf of Christianity than all the sermons that can be preached."-The
Adventist Home) p.32.
Many
a child has lost all taste for spiritual things and for the beauty of holiness
from being reared in unsavory surroundings. And the Lord will lay the blame in
the last great day just where it belongs-on homemakers who did not consider
their humble duties to be important enough to do them thoroughly and well, as
unto the Lord.
9.
Parents
Need to Pull Together
YOUR
son looks like his father," my sister said politely to a visiting neighbor.
The
woman looked angry. Her eyes snapped. She clenched her fist. "Yes, and he
acts like him too. But I'm trying to beat it out of him every day of his
life."
We
laughed a little at that, later, but it was really very sad. There were two
people who once were in love with each other. At one time there were whispered
love words and clasped hands. There were mutual pledges, too, holy and sacred.
Marriage came because these two wanted to spend the rest of their lives
together.
But
something went wrong-radically wrongsomeplace. Resentment, even smoldering
hate and revulsion, had come to take the place of tenderness and devotion. And
what should have been, and was, dreamed of as being a little bit of heaven on
earth is now unpleasant with hostility and resentment. The children feel it and
want to get away from home as soon as they can.
She has long since ceased to wait eagerly for her husband to come
home from work. Neither does he feel any need to hasten, for her face no longer
is loved or sweet to him. He has ceased bringing her little gifts as he used to
do, and birthdays and anniversaries go by unnoticed.
"What's
the use?" he confides to anyone who will take the time to listen.
"She's just an old nagger. Nothing I do ever pleases her. She gets onto
me for everything. I can't win for losin'."
"Why
should I try to please the old stuffed shirt?" she asks plaintively.
"He never notices anything I do. He never has a good word to say to me.
But you ought to see how nice he can be to everyone else. Ha! Butter wouldn't
melt in his mouth."
The
children are listening to the continual fight, no holds barred. And since they
only have one life, that life is checkered and marred by the unhappiness that
surrounds them and threatens to engulf them, when they should be seeing a
foretaste of the glory ahead. They are eager to find happiness-who isn't?-but
how can they learn to order their lives if they do not learn it in the home?
They
hear their father making belittling remarks about their mother. And they hear
their mother doing the same to their father. Children learn to order their lives
from what they see and hear day by day. What a poor preparation for happiness
many children have!
"When
fathers and mothers are converted, there
will
be a thorough conversion of their principles of management. Their thoughts will
be converted; their tongues will be converted. . . . There will be no loud,
angry talking in the home. The words will be of a character to soothe and bless
the hearer. . . . Take all the ugly features out of the voice."-The
Adventist Home, p. 436.
There
are many who admit frankly that they have a fiery temper. And they are willing
to go on and tell you from whom they inherited it, as if that excuses it. These
things must be subdued and conquered if we expect to live with Jesus
forevermore. The promises of God's Word are only to overcomers. Unless we
control our words and our tempers we are virtual slaves of the evil one.
"We are in subjection to him. He leads us captive. All jangling and
unpleasant, impatient, fretful words are an offering presented to his satanic
majesty. And it is a costly offering, more costly than any sacrifice we can make
for God, for it destroys the peace and happiness of whole families, destroys
health, and is eventually the cause of forfeiting an eternal life of
happiness."-Testimonies, vol. I, p. 3I0.
Chris
was reared in just such a home. He told someone that he had to dodge every day
to keep from being hit with dishes or pots and kettles. He was glad enough to
get away when they sent him to the academy. But, alas, he had not learned the
first principle of getting along with people. He was the bane of nearly every
teacher's life. He was always up
for some kind of discipline. Finally he was expelled, and he joined the Army
and got married the same day.
Poor
Audrey. She should have known better. I met her not long ago. Chris had left
her.
"I
did all I could," she sobbed, "but he just doesn't seem to know how a
home ought to be run. He doesn't seem to have any idea as to what his responsibilities
are, or how he should act. I guess he just doesn't know."
How
could he know, Audrey? He saw nothing that would teach him while he was growing
up! "What're you going to do with a wife who just can't seem to get ready
for Sabbath school on time?" asked a loud-mouthed man at a Sabbath school
workshop. "I just sit there in our living room and holler my head off.
The way she drags her feet, we just barely make it in time for Sabbath
school. I like to be there in time to choose my seat at least."
I
cringed at this critical statement, for I knew that more than likely, somewhere
in the audience, his wife was hearing these unkind words with painful
embarrassment.
Since
I was one of the counselors, I spoke up
quickly.
"How many children do you have?" I asked innocently.
"Five.
The smallest one is five months old."
"Did
you say you sat and hollered?" I asked incredulously.
"You ought to go and help her. With five
children to get ready, and the house to leave in order, and the kitchen to
straighten up, she has a load almost too heavy for one person."
I
saw him gasp at the boldness of my suggestion. "You see," I added as
kindly as I could, "you
will
have the blessing of togetherness if you do this. We had two little boys in our
home. My husband and I did the dishes together, and then my husband took one boy
and I took the other. That way neither of us was tired or vexed or overwrought.
We could enjoy the blessings of the Sabbath together."
From
the nudges and significant smiles, I saw I had caught a tartar and silenced him.
The man reddened, started to say something, thought better of it, then subsided.
"Let
the wife feel that she can lean upon the large affections of her husband-that
his arms will strengthen and uphold her through all her toils and cares, that
his influence will sustain hers-and her burden will lose half its weight. Are
the children not his as well as hers? . . . There is a tendency for the
husband to feel free to go out and come into his home more as a boarder than a
husband of the family circle."-The Adventist Home, pp. 2I6, 2I7.
"Let
the husband aid his wife by his sympathy and unfailing affection. If he wishes
to keep her fresh and gladsome, so that she will be as sunshine in the home, let
him help her bear her burdens." Ibid., p. 2I8.
The battle to overcome hateful traits of
character, the selfishness
and meanness that so often show in all their unloveliness, is a challenging one
even in the most auspicious surroundings. The enemy of souls is continually
seeking to destroy us and our children. He knows exactly how to do it, for he
has had a great deal of experience in dragging down millions to their
destruction.
Stamina,
fortitude, and integrity of character can be stored up in the happy environment
of a good home just as oil is stored in a lamp. It will be there to draw on, to
light the life when the night is dark.
"One well-ordered, well-disciplined
family tells more in behalf of Christianity than all the sermons that can be
preached. Such a family gives evidence that the parents have been successful in
following God's directions, and that their children will serve Him in the
church. Their influence grows; for as they impart, they receive to impart again.
The father and mother find helpers in their children, who give to others the
instruction received in the home. The neighborhood in which they live is helped,
for in it they have become enriched for time and for eternity. The whole family
is engaged in the service of the Master; and by their godly example, others
are inspired to be faithful and true to God in dealing with His flock, His
beautiful flock." -Ibid., p. 32.
The biggest thing in life, then, is to
prepare the
whole
of our household for the better land; to train
our
children in all the Christian graces. This is a tremendous work, and it will be
well-nigh impossible if the husband and the wife do not love and honor one
another, and pull together in dedication to their common task.
There
is not time for selfishness and hatefulness, for blame and dissension. The
stakes are high and the hour is late. The sun is setting in the blood-red of the
western skies. But beyond the sunset lies the day-God's tomorrow.
10.
A
Platter of Criticism
IT
WAS Sabbath. The whole family had come home from church and were just sitting
down to a most attractive meal. Sister Filley was a good cook. But served up,
too, with the meal was the minister, in a platter of faultfinding and carping
criticism. "I really believe they sent us the poorest stick in the whole
conference," Jack Filley remarked as he filled his plate with the good
things his wife had prepared. "Take that sermon today. If you got anything
out of it you've got more sense than I have."
Marta
Filley smiled a little disdainfully. She got up to fill the salad dish. "It
was pretty poor," she admitted, "but don't mention it. There's a whole
clique in that church that thinks the sun rises and sets in him. Why, Granny
James told him he cleared up a lot of things for her today, and so did Brother
Pierce. I wonder what the conference office has against this church?"
The
children were listening, and because of their parents' comments they too thought
it was a terrible sermon, and not worth listening to. They wondered just what
the folks at the conference office meant for sending them such a tiresome
"old goat," as father had called Elder Smith on several occasions.
That
very week Pastor Smith went to the church school to hold the meetings of the
Week of Prayer. He smiled at the children when he drove up in front of the
schoolhouse. "I just love to hear Brother Smith talk," said Benny
Barth. "He tells so many stories and makes it so real."
"So do
I," said little Ellen Breen. "My mother
said-"
"Well, I sure don't," Jackie Filley said, airily tossing his head, his
black eyes snapping. "My pop says he's an old goat and he ain't worth
listenin' to. I ain't gonna listen, either. You just see!"
And
so, into the schoolhouse on Monday morning came the evil influence of the
Sabbath noon dissection at the Filley home.
"You
just see," little Melba Filley whispered as she sat down. "Mother says he's a poor stick. I ain't going to
listen to him.
He can't make me." And so little Melba and Jackie had learned at home to
harden their young hearts to the pleadings of the Holy Spirit. They learned the
lesson well, through the years.
Both
Melba and Jackie are dead now. And the kind of lives they were living when they
died make any
hope of seeing them again exceedingly slim. And poor Brother and Sister Filley
grieve and wonder why their children were so worldly and had so little taste for
spiritual things.
We
could tell you, Brother and Sister Filley. With your criticism and undermining,
you ushered in the agony of your children's ruin.
"The spirit of gossip
and tale bearing is one of Satan's special agencies to sow discord and strife,
to separate friends, and to undermine the faith of many. . . . "The names
of God's chosen servants have been handled with disrespect, and in some cases
with absolute contempt, by certain persons whose duty it is to uphold them.
The children have not failed to hear the disrespectful remarks of their parents
in reference to the solemn reproofs and warnings of God's servants. They have
understood the scornful jests and depreciatory speeches that from time to time
have met their ears, and the tendency has been to bring sacred and eternal
interests, in their minds, on a level with the common affairs of the world. What
a work are these parents doing in making infidels of their children even in
their childhood!" Testimonies, vol. 4, p. I95.
"Satan
has many helpers. Many who profess to be Christians are aiding the tempter to
catch away the seeds of truth from other hearts. Many who listen to the
preaching of the word of God make it the subject of criticism at home. They sit
in judgment on the sermon as they would on the words of a lecturer or a
political speaker. The message that should be regarded as the word
of the Lord to them is dwelt upon with trifling or sarcastic comment. The minister's
character, motives, and actions, and the conduct of fellow members of the
church, are freely discussed. Severe judgment is pronounced, gossip or slander
repeated, and this in the hearing of the unconverted. Often these things are
spoken by parents in the hearing of their own children. Thus are destroyed respect
for God's messengers, and reverence for their message. And many are taught to
regard lightly God's word itself.':-Christ's Object Lessons} pp. 45, 46.
You
could always expect some kind of clash whenever Brother H went to church board
meeting. He went all abristle, ready to contradict, to surmise evil, ready
to suspect. He had his whole armor on, but sad to say it was not the armor of
God. He was without the breastplate of righteousness.
They
were remodeling the church, and Brother H's criticisms were hard on those who
were working so well to make the house of the Lord a place of beauty. He was
against everything. Nothing was being done right.
"Now,
I don't like that church tower," he said loudly, settling down in an easy
chair in Sister A's pleasant living room. Since she was the church treasurer,
he had come over to see whether he could get her to side with him.
"It
looks just like a doghouse or a hen roost. But
they're
just bound to spoil the whole thing by building it that way. I'm going to
fight that if it takes the last breath in my body. There's a gang here in the
church that's trying to run everything to suit themselves, Sister A, and I want
you to line up with me and Brother D. We'll fix 'em."
I
was sitting there, an interested visitor, wondering what Sister A would say.
She was a delightfully frank person at times, and joyfully and pleasantly
subtle. Besides that she was astute enough to discomfit troublemakers without
their realizing just what was happening. I blessed her inwardly, for I knew she
could get people so caught in a crack, they would be glad to get out. She could
do this most innocently. She turned her sweet blue eyes on Brother H.
"What
do you mean —a chicken coop, or roost?" she asked in surprise. "Why,
we've all seen the drawing of that part of the church. Our local board passed
on it, and so did the conference. Where were you? I think it's beautiful."
Brother
H squirmed and turned a little red. "They must've passed on it that time
when I went up to Aunt Hep's funeral," he said lamely. "I'd never have
voted for it if I'd been here. And I think we could stop it even yet if we got
right after it." "I'm not going to do that," Sister A said.
"And even if you weren't here, we had a majority, and we passed on
it."
Silence
greeted these words.
"By
the way, Brother H," Sister A continued, "how much did you pay into
the building fund? I agree with you that all of us contributors should stick
together and pass on everything. There's nothing like perfect agreement. I'm
sure no one meant to slight your judgment, Brother H."
But
it was strange. Brother H was in a great hurry to get away. I was suddenly
curious.
"What
was wrong with that man?" I asked. "As soon as you mentioned
contributors he seemed in a great hurry to get away. How much did he give to the
building fund?"
Sister
A giggled delightedly.
"Not
a red cent," she declared. "Not a farthing. He was in a hurry because
he didn't want you to know he hadn't paid a thing. To hear him, you'd think he
and his wife were footing the whole bill." Brother and Sister H were the
champion faultfinders of that small church. Every minister, every elder, and
every church school teacher felt and suffered under the acid of their unjust
criticism, and the lash of their cruel tongues.
It
would be nothing short of a miracle if even one of their children rejoiced in
truth, for they never knew truth in its beauty. They only saw, and had pointed
out to them continually, the magnified and fancied faults of those who had been
sent to help them.
"Oh,
why. . . why. . . why has this happened to us?" moaned Sister H one day.
"We sent our children
to our schools. Jeanie trained at __Sanitarium. Rhoda went to ___College. Why?
Why?"
We
could tell you why, Sister H. The peace of your home was continually marred by
the evil spirit of criticism and slander. "To accuse and criticize those
whom God is using is to accuse and criticize the Lord who has sent
them."-Testimonies to Ministers, p. 466.
11.-
Her Blameless, Faultless
Benjie
I
WOULD have thought that his mother would have become tired of "going to
bat" all the time for her darling, petted, and pampered treasure, her
sweet, blameless, and faultless Benjie. I can see him now, standing and watching
his mother as she flew fiercely to his defense, like a little banty hen on the
alert, with feathers ruffled at anything that threatened—the wind bending
the grass, a sailing leaf, a hawk, or a thunderclap.
A
satisfied, smug look appeared in his left eye, his right one, too, for that
matter. The king can do no wrong. Long live the king!
"I
know that teacher just has it in for Benjie. He studies all the time, poor dear,
till his eyes are injured—don't you, dear? —and what does he get?"
Anger leaped to her eyes, and a white line of fury showed along her jawbone.
"An
F!" she hissed in my ear, so angrily that I involuntarily jumped—as if I
were partly to blame for this situation. Well, I learned I was not, but she had
come to solicit my aid.
"Benjie
and I figured out last night just what we would do." She smiled benignly on
me then, and I had a distinct feeling of relief. "We would like you to help
Benjie. And that teacher won't dare fail him then. Everyone knows you have had a
lot more experience than she has, and she wouldn't dare fail him if you tutor
him."
Benjie's
eyes gleamed. Here was revenge. Mother had it all "cooked up," with
meringue on top.
But
I disappointed them. I did not have time to tutor Benjie. I could not work both
night and day. I had to have a little time to rest and relax and do my
housework.
They
left, disappointed, but undaunted. Benjie lounged along grandly beside his
mother, eager for laurels, for success without paying the necessary price. I had
the vague feeling he was not yet weaned from his silly mother, from her hovering
and clucking care.
He
was convinced, to the core, of his importance. He knew he had been wronged.
What if he hadn't studied? Wasn't he brighter, and didn't he show a lot more
promise than the rest of his classmates? The king can do no wrong. Long live
the king!
"You Need Pull"
And
so into college Benjie carried his self-importance. And when his ability and
importance were not recognized by the undiscerning set who ran the college, his
amazement and anger knew no bounds. Benjie did what he knew well how to do. He
flunked out. He left college in high dudgeon.
"You
need pull, up there," he declared, in his own defense. "I haven't got
it. Boy, you sure have to be a close relative of the General Conference men to
get anywhere around that college. That's as plain as the nose on your
face."
His
doting parents got Benjie a car, and tried to find him a job. He was very
particular, for he did not feel he should injure his health with jobs too
confining. His father worked early and late to do all for Benjie he could. And
Benjie felt it was his just due.
Benjie
has long ago quit going to church. He smokes and he drinks, and he has been in
and out of matrimony four times. But, of course, it isn't his fault. He tried,
poor dear. You just wouldn't believe what he went through trying to make things
go. How blind can a person be?
The
mother still slaves for Benjie, and flies to his defense, while he still paddles
about lazily in a kind of immature and worthless existence. He is sullen,
hateful, restless, unhappy, and utterly useless.
The
workaday world buzzes about him, but it speaks a language he does not
understand. He has been indulged and overindulged, until that is the only life
he enjoys, the only kind of life he does not fiercely resent. He has become a
great hunk of nerves from oversolicitude. And such a hunk as can never fit into
the straight structure of life, it is so oddly shaped.
Since
the whole plan of salvation and the whole pattern of Christian living since the
beginning have been based on unselfishness and upon the principle of giving,
Benjie has been badly cheated. It will take great hardships, great agony of
soul, and the miracle of actual re-creation to fit him into the land the Saviour
has gone to prepare.
"To
indulge a child when young and erring is a sin. . . . If children are allowed to
have their own way, they receive the idea that they must be waited upon, cared
for, indulged, and amused. They think that their wishes and their will must be
gratified." -Child Guidance, p. 272.
Need to Deny Self
In
every school there are some students who have too-exalted opinions of
themselves. This inflated sense of their worth has usually been instilled by the
"banty hens" that still flutter and cluck and protect, and deplore
the discipline that hinders and irritates their "chicks." And
ministers pray, and teachers reason and work—but all too often to no effect,
for "banty hens" just will fly to the defense. Such overprotected
students have never known what it is to deny self, so how can they understand
that to be saved they must make a covenant with God through sacrifice?
How
can they understand taking up the cross, when all the hardnesses have been borne
by someone else, in the mistaken idea that they were building security for
the child?
"It
is impossible to depict the evil that results from leaving a child to its own
will. . . . The child who is spoiled has a heavy burden to carry throughout
his life. In trial, in disappointment, in temptation, he will follow his
undisciplined, misdirected will. Children who have never learned to obey will
have weak, impulsive characters. They seek to rule, but have not learned to
submit. They are without moral strength to restrain their wayward tempers, to
correct their wrong habits, or to subdue their uncontrolled wills. The blunders
of untrained, undisciplined childhood become the inheritance of manhood and
womanhood. The perverted intellect can scarcely discern between the true and the
false."-Counsels to Parents and Teachers, pp. II2, II3.
Parents
who take this course are literally barring the way to the tree of life for
their children. It is not love; it is not kindness. It is cruelty, it is
selfishness, it is ignorance of the deepest dye.
"The
Bible is a guide in the management of children. Here, if parents desire, they
may find a course marked out for the education and training of their children,
that they may make no blunders. . . . When this Guidebook is followed, parents,
instead of giving unlimited indulgence to their children, will use more
often the chastening rod; instead of being blind to their faults, their
perverse tempers, and alive only to their virtues, they will have clear
discernment and will look upon these things in the light of the Bible. They will
know that they must command their children in the right way.
"God
cannot take rebels into His kingdom; therefore He makes obedience to His
commands a special requirement. Parents should diligently teach their children
what saith the Lord. Then God will show to angels and to men that He will build
a safeguard round about His people."-Child Guidance, p. 256.
It
is the veriest cruelty, then, to prevent children from learning to endure
hardness, from learning to do for others, from learning to pity and think of
others. If when young they have never learned to bear pain and disappointment,
and if they have never learned to give, or concede, or to act independently,
they can almost never learn to do so. There is a tragic finality the Lord would
have us side-step, by following the blueprint. And this is the way to life
eternal for us and for our children.
12.
Does Your Child Believe in
Your Religion?
I
think I hate my father," a sweet-faced girl once said to me, when she had
stayed after school to talk with me. I must have looked shocked, for she went on
to explain and qualify her statement.
"Please
don't tell anyone I told you, for even mother feels bad about the way things go
in our home. But sometimes I feel that I'll go crazy if I don't tell someone. I
know it's a sin to feel as I do, but I don't know what to do about it."
We
talked a little while that lovely fall afternoon, and she wept and we prayed
together. She said later, "You know, father is a deacon in the church. And
I read this week in Bible class that deacons should not be doubled-tongued.
That's what hurts me. Father's tongue says one thing at church, but at home it
says something else."
I
knew more about Elsa's father than I let on that I knew. The whole church knew
about his almost insane fits of temper. One of the neighbor men called the
police once when he saw him beat a horse while he was plowing. And it was common
knowledge that the oldest son who ran away had done so because of his father's
temper.
Elsa
told me about that to unburden her heart. Her face was wet with tears as she
told me of the terrible scene.
"My
father beat him once too often. My brother grabbed the whip and broke it in two,
then yelled that he hoped he would die before he ever went into a church again.
We have never seen him since. Mother cries sometimes in the night. I have heard
her."
I
pondered this awful situation, this terrible sin; this father, so unkind, with a
temper so unbridled as to spoil his son's life for time and perhaps
eternity.
"If
any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but
deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain" Games I:26).
Too
many men and women have a religion that shows up beautifully at church, but
which wears thin at home. They depend on the ones at home to forgive them
continually, and to get used to the ugliness they show so often toward those
they love. The servant of the Lord has written:
"Treat
your family in a manner that Heaven can approve, and so that peace may be in
your dwelling. . . . Your children have had your bad example before them; you
have blamed, and censured, and manifested a passionate spirit at home, while
you would, at the same time, address the throne of grace, attend meeting, and
bear testimony in favor of the truth. These exhibitions have led your children
to despise you and the truth you profess. They have no confidence in your
Christianity." -Testimonies, vol. 2, p. 86.
Reaction on Children
There
are in every place people who have not overcome the wickedness in their own
lives, and whose families see all too much of their temper fits and tantrums.
The children of these poorly regulated homes are listening and learning, and
the leaven of this terrible influence will spread to all bounds. We are told
that the very expression on the countenance has an influence for good or for
evil.
There
are children everywhere who grow discouraged from the harsh and hateful words
of those who have them in charge, and their destinies will be for good or evil
as they have been taught and led. "Fathers, provoke not your children to
anger, lest they be discouraged." Under a hateful atmosphere of perpetual
blaming and harsh criticism, it is natural for children to seek the society of
those who will be kind to them and give them the approval their hearts are
hungry to receive.
One
father had fanatical ideas about women's dress, and he rode his hobbyhorse
continually. You could not talk to him for five minutes without his beginning to
recite the failings of all the church members, proclaiming with authority the
destination of those who did not line up with what he felt was the proper mode
of dress. His wife and daughters were miserably ashamed of this activity. They
were always modestly dressed and in good taste. But, of course, even they did
not in any way please this man. He thought cotton stockings were the only kind a
Christian should wear; and as for the vulgarity of displaying the elbows-well,
a person who did that was headed for perdition!
One
day he sighed in my presence and said loudly that he could hardly hope to .do a
thing with his own household when the minister's wife wore such vulgar attire.
The minister's wife was a friend of mine, and no one could dress more modestly
than she, and she would have been crushed if she had heard his unkind remarks so
entirely unwarranted.
Everyone
felt sorry for the girls, but you can be sure they escaped from home as soon as
they could by way of worldly marriage. Both have been gone for years now; gone
from a religion they never saw lived out in their home and that was never made
attractive.
"Pray
for my boy, please," said a father to me one day. "He tells lies; he
lies when the truth would serve his purpose even better. He'll lie when he can't
help knowing that I know he's lying; he'll brazen it out no matter what I do or
say."
I
might have replied:
"I
could tell you, brother. The whole church knows about your temper fits. You may
think your outbursts are not known, but they are. Your wife leaves the house and
goes out into the garden to weep and sob because of your hateful words and
outbursts. Your boy hides from you when your brow clouds over.
"'Your
combativeness is large, and you stand braced, prepared to rebut everything where
you have a chance. You. . . stand all ready to differ if there is a possible
chance for you to do so. . . . You possess a hasty temper, which grieves your
friends and the holy angels, and wounds your own soul.” Ibid., p. I63.
"Your
boy has learned to lie to save himself from you and your violent fits of anger,
which will mean your eternal destruction unless you overcome by the grace of
God. If you do not overcome, all your piety in the church and on weekends will
not save you, and you may drag your whole family down with you.
"You
will have such a reward as you little dream possible if you make it your
business to redeem the time. It will take some doing, for you are set in your
habits; but you had better hurry. One of these days it will be too late."
"And
the angel of mercy flew over the Church
And
whispered, 'I know thy sin,'
And
the Church looked back with a sigh, and longed
To
gather her children in.
But
some were off to the midnight ball,
And
some were off to the play,
And
some were drinking in gay saloons,
So
she pensively went her way."
-conclusion
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